You Will Never Know How Much This Breaks My Heart

52 Email Excerpts, 2014-2015

1. It's funny to me that you have buried your face between my legs numerous times but have never seen the winter coat I wear almost every day. I'm glad you liked it.

2. You seemed troubled when I saw you, maybe just about your bus passes. I find I can usually sense when something is off with you and it seemed to be today.

3. Have we totally given up on trying to be chaste while you're my supervisor?

4. If you ever need time away from me to figure out your marriage stuff, I will respect that. If you decide to end things with me to work on your marriage, I will respect that. 

5. I think you should take a job in Middle-of-Nowhere, KY and I will move with you to a big dumpy farmhouse and I'll work on my novel and have a big garden and cook you delicious foods.

6. I'm glad you weren't too freaked out by the dongs. I had forgotten there were dongs in there. Your dong is my favorite dong, both on its own merits and because it's attached to someone so sexy.

7. If you were my boyfriend, I would have let you cut the grass while I worked in the garden, and then we would have taken a shower, and then if we had any energy left we would have had slow lazy sex, and then taken a nap, and then gone for frozen yogurt, and then grilled something delicious for dinner and eaten on the patio.

8. I hope you are not buying into stereotypes about the perceived lack of masculinity of Asian men. (I also hope you'll start using the word Asian instead of oriental.)

9. It was mostly rumors, though your lovesick tweeting didn't help.

10. You are so full of crap. That's not generally something I'd say about you, but about this particular issue, you totally are.

11. If it bothers you that I still don't believe you 100%, ask yourself how I possibly could when our relationship is only able to exist because you're such a good liar.

12. With each passing day I grow angrier and more resentful.

13. It sounds like your thoughts about the future are solidifying to some extent and while I'm trying not to get my hopes up, I do hope that the future involves your dick in me. A lot.

14. I'm sorry if my strong opinions are inappropriate, but this shit pisses me off. Jesus. 

15. Your hair is so beautiful. I was admiring it while you were going down on me (as I always do). It always startles me how absolutely perfect it is. And I don't mean how it's styled, I mean the hair itself.

16. You should say goodbye when you end a text conversation. It's good etiquette. Not every text exchange, but every situation in which someone's trying to converse with you.

17. I want to be utterly yours. Yes, yes, precautions and caveats, uncertainty, either of us could walk away at any time. But I am so devoted to you and so hopelessly in love with you.

18. Please tread lightly on my heart. It is so tender for you.

19. I certainly hope we are able to start spending more time together soon. This once-a-week shit is for the birds, though I am trying to be patient. 

20. I'm sorry I was whiny and cranky last night. I was disappointed that at first you seemed into it and then had a bunch of reasons why you weren't. 

21. I understand that we need to continue to employ some level of discretion in our relationship, but it's hard. It's hard that I have no control over anything and that everything has to be on your terms.

22. I continue to find it odd that you virtually never talk about the future with me, which I think makes it harder for me to be patient, because I don't have a sense of what it is that I'm even waiting for. I mean, what's it going to be like? All you ever do is warn me about how you're old and infirm and boring.

23. Of course I'm going to hang with it until we're free of our previous relationships. I understand that we're in a complicated transitional period. I'm not going anywhere.

24. I really do understand and appreciate your desire to take things one day at a time. 

25. The world is an amazing place that is far too vast to be experienced in a single lifetime. I am so eager to figure out what little piece of it we're going to experience together. 

26. I dreamed I was riding your cock last night. :)

27. I keep thinking about our shared orgasm and getting turned on again. And the second go-round was so hot. I felt you getting hard again but thought you'd be too tired to do anything with it, and the next thing I knew you were inside me. 

28. I miss you terribly but I don't feel like you're emotionally starving me, don't worry. 

29. Janis left me a voicemail inviting me to sign your Boss's Day Card and said, "I know you're very fond of him." Ha!

30. But at the same time things have been weighing on me lately and tonight they got really heavy. 

31. I think I sort of fake being decently adjusted to most people but once you get to know me, as you know, I'm actually kind of a mess. And deep down at my core I am full of shame and believe that I am inherently unlovable. 

32. Sometimes I feel so broken and alone. I wonder why I did not end up happily married and making babies, why my life sometimes feels like a booby prize. 

33. I am not mad at you about anything, but I am so frustrated by this situation and the endless waiting.

34. I know it is not your intent, but I often feel wrong for wanting to spend time with you, wrong for wanting talk about the future with you, wrong for wanting to daydream with you, wrong for wanting you as much as I do.

35. You undo me and I want to give myself over to it, but I can't. I am unsure if you will ever allow yourself to be undone by anyone again.

36. I am sorry for this gigantic, rambling, pathetic email.

37. I think you will find me to be lower maintenance than expected once we're in a regular relationship. 

38. The Ronnie photo was meant to be shitty. I was drunk and angry. I have told you that I absolutely can't stand the silent treatment, but you do it anyway. 

39. You told Brian that our relationship isn't serious and admitted to me that you're ashamed of it. I don't know what to do with that information. 

40. You've said you don't want to think too much about our relationship because if you do, you'll realize it's a bad idea. How can you expect me to feel secure or valued or to be patient under those conditions? 

41. Over the past month or so I have reminded myself over and over and over again to keep opening my heart, wider and wider, even when it's counterintuitive, even when it frightens me.

42. Time after time I am reminded that I am never the most important thing, not even sometimes, that I am only ever entitled to your leftovers. 

43. You want my unconditional love and I try my damnedest to give it to you, but you won't acknowledge me as your girlfriend, even between us, even to yourself. 

44. This is like some kind of bizarre unpaid relationship internship, in which I do all of the stuff a girlfriend does but don't get any actual recognition. 

45. I have been cutting you slack for almost two years. I am always being told to wait. 

46. You refuse to define our relationship, but you want to continue to reap its benefits. I am simply unwilling to continue with this arrangement.

47. I can no longer play a role in your deluding yourself about the type of person you are.

48. You don't get to keep doing something that you claim to find morally objectionable and then tell yourself that you're not really doing it.  

49. I don't know what else to say to you.

50. I don't believe what I want from you is unreasonable.

51. I have tried to meet you so much more than halfway and it hasn't mattered. 

52. You will never know how profoundly I love you and how much this breaks my heart.